***Special thanks to Ginger Chen for sending me a review copy.***

As You Set Out on Your

Yes JourneyWe are about to discover how God’s love shapes our hearts and our individual paths of purpose. It’s an amazing journey. We won’t want to miss any of the messages He has for us. In this book you will discover the following features. Each is created to make the truths and wonders of faith more three-dimensional in your life.

Yes Factor

The gifts of the yes journey are plentiful. The Yes Factors highlight some of the most amazing treasures you’ll discover along the way. They are ready to tweet so you can share with your friends, classmates, and online communities to encourage them.

You’re Invited

Each chapter has a special invitation to say yes to God in a new way. Take time with these and pray about how you’ll respond to the call to embrace God’s best.

God’s Word for You

God speaks to us through the Bible. Scripture is not a gathering of material meant for people ages ago. It was written for you. This feature includes questions for group or personal study, reflection points, and verse explorations to get God’s Word from the page to your heart.

Living Y.E.S. (Your Extraordinary Story)

Only you can live your extraordinary story. No one else is designed by God to live this moment and all of your tomorrows. These insights and journal questions will help you understand the uniqueness, incredible value, and power of having a yes heart for God.

Yes in Action: A Note from Hope’s Yes Journey

My teenage daughter Hope shares four personal accounts of listening to God and following His lead. My prayer is that these glimpses of another young woman facing the difficulties and delights of obedience will encourage you to put your yes into action daily.

My Yes Journey Notes

At the back of this book are several note pages so you have a convenient place to write down the ideas, challenges, special verses, prayer needs, and discoveries you experience while starting your yes journey.

Ready for Something Better

Most of us long for something better. Different. Special.

Extraordinary.

We desire something more meaningful than day-to-day survival.

And the amazing thing is that even before we can name this desire, God has placed it within us and is drawing us closer to Him through that desire. Our hunger to be special and to do special things is our spiritual hunger to have an extraordinary relationship with God.

But how do we leave normal behind and head toward extraordinary?

We start a journey! It’s the amazing, transforming, anything-but-normal journey you’ll begin the day you say yes to God and to the amazing faith life He has planned for you.

Let’s begin at the starting place—right here, right now. Imagine with me that this is your day.

Beep. Beep. The notification of a text message wakes you up before your alarm. It’s a friend reminding you to bring money for the school fund-raiser and asking if you will make signs during lunch. As you sneak into the kitchen hoping to grab a bagel and glass of cranberry juice without being spoken to, your parents greet you with good-mornings and then insist you walk the dog before school.

You get to school with only a second to wave to friends. You settle into the assigned seat of the first class and do a mental happy dance because you finished your project early. The celebration is squelched because the teacher asks you to help a student who doesn’t understand yesterday’s assignment.

During lunch you finally get a chance to catch up with your best friend, but she still wants to talk through every event leading to her breakup with her boyfriend—five months ago. You listen for a while and pat her on the back for consolation, but you’re thinking, At least you had a boyfriend. My parents won’t even let me date.

The list goes on, right? A regular, ordinary day includes a lot of requests from a lot of people in your life. There are expectations. And even when you know the right thing to do, you don’t have much joy when you follow through. What’s the point? you think. It’s all so ordinary and leading nowhere.

Even if people want good things from you and of you, it’s tempting to say no. Nope. Uh-uh. No, thank you. I helped yesterday. Ask so-and-so. The dog ate my homework and my backpack and my computer.

There are lots of ways to say no.

When God asks you to do something, it can spark the desire to act as if you didn’t hear Him. It’s tempting to rattle off your memorized top five excuses for getting out of something that might be challenging, humbling, or out of your comfort zone.

In fact, sometimes God asks us to do things that seem a bit crazy at the time. We can’t see the big picture the way He does. We can’t imagine how our one yes during an ordinary day can become something extraordinary when He uses it for His purposes.

But, you see, this is where we get confused. When we say yes to God, our days are no longer ordinary or normal. In fact, there is no such thing as a typical day. Once you make the leap of faith to say yes to God, you will discover the power that answer holds in your relationship with Him, others, and yourself. There’s nothing ordinary about what’s ahead for you. Are you nervous? Are you looking around you and thinking, Maybe normal is okay? What is God going to ask of me when I say yes?

Believe me, I understand this as well as anyone. I can be stubborn. I can be resistant to being told what to do. And I’ve had plenty of times when I wanted to do anything but what God was asking me to do. In fact, I was someone who never left home without having my top five excuses list handy. This was me…that is, until God opened my eyes to the incredible, blow-my-socks-off power of saying yes to Him.

It all started the day He told me to give away my Bible.

My ministry as a writer and a speaker gives me the chance to visit churches, women’s groups, and conferences. On this particular day, I was heading home after a long schedule of speaking and I was wiped out. All I wanted was to get to my assigned seat on the plane and settle in for a nap. Imagine my absolute delight at being the only person seated in my row. I was just about to close my eyes when two last-minute passengers made their way to my row and took their seats.

Reluctantly, I decided to skip my nap. The last thing I wanted was to fall asleep and snore, drool, or, worse yet, wake up with my head resting on the guy’s shoulder beside me. I did not need another most embarrassing moment, so I pulled a manuscript out of my bag and started reading.

“What are you working on?” the guy asked. I told him I was a Christian writer. He smiled and said he thought God was a very interesting topic. I agreed and asked him a few questions about his beliefs. Before long I found myself reaching into my bag and pulling out my Bible, walking him through some key verses that dealt with the issues he was facing. He kept asking questions, and I kept praying God would give me answers.

All of a sudden I felt God tugging at my heart to give this man my Bible. Now, this was not just any Bible. This was my everyday, highlighted, underlined, written in, and tearstained Bible. I hesitated, but God’s message was clear. I was to give away my Bible.

I pulled out old church bulletins and other papers I had tucked inside the covers, took a deep breath, sighed, and placed it in the man’s hands. “I’d like for you to have my Bible,” I said.

Astonished, he started to hand it back to me, saying he couldn’t possibly accept such a gift. “God told me to give it to you,”  I insisted. “Sometimes the God of the universe pauses in the midst of all His creation to touch the heart of one person. Today, He paused for you.”

The man took my Bible and made two promises. First, he said he would read it, and, second, someday he would pass it on, doing for someone else what I’d done for him.

Before I knew it, the plane landed and we were saying our goodbyes. As I stepped into the aisle preparing to disembark, the women on the other side of the businessman reached out and grabbed my arm. She’d been staring out the window the entire time we were flying, and I thought she’d been ignoring us. But her tearstained face told a different story. In a tone so hushed I could barely hear her, she whispered, “Thank you. What you shared today has changed my life.” I put my hand on hers and whispered back, “You’re welcome.” Then a knot caught in my throat as tears welled up in my eyes. I didn’t have another Bible to give away, so I gave her one of my books and hugged her goodbye. It has been said that we are to tell the whole world about Jesus, using words only if necessary. I saw this powerful truth come to life. Though I never spoke to this lady about Jesus, she saw Him through my obedience. How humbling. How profound.

As I got off the plane that day, I could barely hold back my tears. Three people’s hearts were radically changed. I believe the businessman came to know Jesus as his Lord and Savior. I believe the same is true for the lady. But my heart was changed in a dramatic way as well. I was overjoyed at what God had done, but I was also brokenhearted by the flood of thoughts that came to mind recounting times I’d told God no. How tragic to miss His divine appointments.

Yes Factor

Open your heart to God’s love. Open your life to His calling. Open your mouth to praise Him.

I kept wondering, How many times have I told You no, God? How many times have I walked right past an extraordinary moment You had shaped for me because I was too tired, too insecure, too caught up in drama, or too selfish? How often do I miss out on experiencing You? I lifted up my heart to the Lord and whispered, “Please forgive me for all those noes. Right now I say yes, Lord. I say yes to You before I even know what You might ask me to do. I simply want You to see a yes-heart in me.”

Several minutes after exiting the plane, I was heading toward my connecting gate when I spotted the businessman again. He stopped me to tell me he’d been praying and thanking God for what happened on the plane. We swapped business cards, and, though we lived several states apart, I knew we’d stay in touch.

About a month later he called to tell me his life had totally changed. He’d taken a week off from work to read the Bible, and he’d already shared his testimony with numerous people. God was definitely pursuing this man in a serious way! When I asked him what his favorite verse was, he said it was Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” I thought to myself, Wow! Look at how God has already answered that for my new friend.

He also told me that after reading the Bible he knew he needed to get involved in a church, so he’d decided to visit a large church in his town. On his way there he passed another church, and a strong feeling came over him to turn his car around and go back. So he did. When he got to his seat in the sanctuary, he opened up his bulletin and gasped. Inside the bulletin he saw an announcement that I was to be the speaker at an upcoming women’s conference. He said he felt as though, once again, God was confirming His active presence.

That day on the plane, when God impressed on my heart to give this man my Bible, I did not know what would happen. This man might have thrown my Bible into the nearest airport trash can for all I knew. Normally, I would’ve come up with a hundred reasons not to give my Bible away, but that day something changed in me. That day, for the first time, I truly heard the call of a woman who says yes to God: “Live your extraordinary story of faith.”

This journey we are taking together is life changing.

1

An Extraordinary Life Awaits

The amazing adventure of living your life and faith in extraordinary ways is up ahead. Here is the most wonderful truth: God designed it for you. And this journey cannot be lived out by anyone else. God made you as a special, nobody-else-like-you young woman, and He has a plan for your life. Do you feel it? Do you believe it? When you get up in the morning, do you think about how your day can only be lived out by the incredible you? Your family knows you and your quirky habits, and your friends share common interests, but nobody else is taking your steps through your day.

The extraordinary faith journey begins the moment you say yes to God and yes to the story He is creating through your heart, abilities, dreams, and faithfulness. It’s not just a special story—it’s an extraordinary one you and God experience together.

When we feel a tug on our heart and a stirring in our soul for more, we are often afraid to venture past our comfort zone. Outside our comfort zone, however, is where we experience the true awesomeness of God. But you have to take the plunge. How ready are you?

Notice that I didn’t ask “How perfect are you?” Perfection is highly overrated. I think at this point it is important for me to paint an accurate picture of what my life looks like before you imagine me as this super calm, amazingly organized and disciplined person who spends hours on her knees in prayer. Truth? My to-do list rarely gets accomplished. My emotions have been known to run wild, and my patience can run thin. I get pushed to the limit by everyday aggravations, such as a summer’s worth of pictures getting erased from my digital camera. Or a dog who runs away at the most inconvenient times. And I’ve had times when I step outside my comfort zone and fear causes me to second-guess myself and God’s plan.

Can you relate? Great! No matter what your life is like, you’re a young woman made to say yes to God. Even if you’re juggling all the craziness life can throw your way, when you simply whisper yes, you are equipped to start your extraordinary story of following God. “Yes, Lord. I want Your patience to override my desire to fly off the handle.” “Yes, Lord. I want Your strength to keep my emotions in check when my family and friends drive me nuts.” “Yes, Lord. I want Your courage to accept challenges that intimidate me.” “Yes, Lord. I want to see my great value as Your daughter so I don’t worry about what other people think.”

You don’t need perfect circumstances to say yes to God. You don’t need the perfect religious attitude or all the answers to religious questions. You simply have to give to God all of the thoughts, worries, people, drama, and struggles that occupy your attention and your heart. You simply have to speak the answer God is longing to hear spill from your lips. “Yes, God.”

The Daily Yes Prayer

Each day when I wake up, I pray a very simple prayer before my feet even hit the floor. I encourage you to write your own or use this prayer so you can experience your extraordinary God in extraordinary ways.

God, I want to see You.

God, I want to hear You.

God, I want to know You.

God, I want to follow hard after You.

And even before I know what I will face today, I say yes to You.

This simple act of surrender each morning will prepare your eyes to see Him, your ears to hear Him, your mind to perceive Him, and your heart to receive Him. This is how to live expecting to experience God.

You see, we have become so familiar with God and yet still so unaware of Him. We turn the mysterious into something ordinary, even boring. We construct careful reasons for our rules and sensible whys for our behavior. All the while our soul is longing for a richer experience—one that allows us to escape the limits of sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell and journey to a place of wild, wonder, and passion.

Young women who say yes to God will see life like few others.

And you will be drawn in and embraced by a love like no other. You don’t have to wait until the next time you’re in church to experience God because you can sense God’s presence all around you, all through your day. Instead of going through the motions of life, you’ll pursue the adventure of the moment-by-moment divine story and lessons God is unfolding.

When you say yes, you can expect to see God, to hear from Him, and to be absolutely filled by His peace and joy.

The Holy and the Ordinary

Embracing a holy God in the middle of life’s everyday activities will change your life. God’s surprises of good and wondrous experiences will take your breath away, but you might not always feel happy about the changes. I can’t let you think that being a young woman who says yes to God means everything is always easy. There will be times when you experience the sting of heartache, frustration, uncertainty, failure, and loss, but now there will be new ways of dealing with those hard times. A holy way.

I had one of those experiences recently. I simply wanted to throw my hands in the air, throw my computer out the window, and cry out to God, “You have hurt my feelings, and I’m just a little unnerved and upset!”

I was at a friend’s lake house to devote three days to a writing project. After the first night of working hard, I had gone to bed excited about all I’d accomplished. I awakened the next morning ready to have the same kind of success. But as I opened up my docu-ment folder with great anticipation, I saw…nothing. Nothing! The project was nowhere to be found.

Refusing to panic, I asked for my friends’ help. After two hours of searching, one of my friends gently looked at me and verbalized the truth we’d all come to know. “It’s gone, Lysa. You are going to have to start over.”

What!

Wait a minute, I thought. I have said yes to God today and had a great quiet time. I just know He can and will help me find this. But for whatever reason, my document was gone and God had chosen not to bring it back. Tears filled my eyes as bitterness started to creep in my heart. Why would He allow this? My friend could sense my despair and gently replied, “Lysa, recently when something like this happened to me, someone told me to look at my loss as a sacrifice of praise to God. It is so hard in today’s abundance to give God a true sacrifice, but losing two thousand words and a whole day’s work would qualify. Give this to Him without feeling bitter.”

I resisted slapping my well-meaning friend as she then broke into singing praise songs. By the second stanza, I actually found myself joining in with a lighter heart and a resilient spirit.

Have you ever lost something that had required great effort and care on your part? Sometimes it isn’t a school project or a writing assignment we’ve invested in; rather, it’s a relationship. If you’ve ever said goodbye to a friend because of a move or because you find yourself taking a different path, you’ve experienced what felt like an unfair loss of time, effort, and heart. The loss of “what could’ve been”  can be very disappointing. When you care about anything, it makes you more vulnerable. The risk is higher because more of your heart and soul is vested in the outcome. This is exactly why these times can be lifted up as a praise offering.

Yes Factor

Saying yes to God isn’t about perfect performance, but rather perfect surrender to Him.

Being a young woman who says yes to God is about trusting Him even when you can’t understand why He requires some of the things He does. It also means that once you’ve said yes to God, you refuse to turn back, even when things get hard.

This kind of obedience invites you to embrace a bigger vision for your life. When you look at your everyday circumstances with God’s perspective, everything changes. You realize that He uses each circumstance, each person who crosses your path, and each encounter you have with Him as a divine appointment. Each day counts, and every action and reaction matters. God absolutely loves to take ordinary people and do extraordinary things in them, through them, and with them.

It’s a Party

Imagine that you’ve planned a wonderful surprise party for your best friend. The guests have all arrived. You’ve loaded the deco–rated dining room table with her favorite junk food and healthy preferences. Everything is ready for the guest of honor. You can barely wait for the big moment of “Surprise!” because you know your friend will feel so loved and celebrated.

Finally, the time has come. And gone. Your friend is late. Your other friends are whispering in the darkened living room and trying unsuccessfully to hold back waves of laughter. Suddenly, your cell phone rings. Your friend’s image appears on the screen.  “Shhh!” you say to the others just before answering the call.

“Hey, where are you?” you ask casually.

Instead of saying she’s on her way, your friend says she’s too tired to come over and has decided to watch the last two episodes of her favorite show online. She’s already in her pajamas and will check out whatever you wanted to show her tomorrow. You try to convince her that tonight is so much better and you really want to share something with her. But with a friendly “See you tomorrow, I promise,” she hangs up.

But by tomorrow the guests will be gone, the leftover food will be stored away, and the party that never started will be over.

How sad for the guest of honor, who missed her own surprise party! And how disappointing for you, the party planner who orchestrated the event with the hope of showing a friend how much she is loved.

God must feel the same way when we miss the “surprise parties”  that await us each day. These are the divine appointments sprinkled throughout our day for us to experience when we pay attention to God’s leading. He must be so disappointed when we don’t hear or don’t listen to Him redirecting us to hang up the phone and show up at the event He has planned with great care. It must break His heart when we brush aside something that not only would make us feel special and noticed by God, but also would allow us to join Him in making life a little sweeter for others.

Which Invitation Will You Accept?

How many times have you missed your own surprise party?

God reveals Himself and His activity to all of us, but it takes a desire for the extraordinary to embrace these encounters because they can cause extreme changes in our plans, our perspectives, and our passions. I don’t know about you, but I’m not a huge fan of change.

Yet, when we protect ourselves from change, we’re saying no to God and yes to a life that leaves us unmotivated and directionless. Let’s pause for a second and give that another look. You are accepting an invitation at any given moment, but are you saying yes to whims, desires, and random paths? Or are you accepting God’s invitation to your purposed, powerful faith story?

I can think of several times when I let fear override my faith. I said yes to my insecurities and worries instead of God’s strength and certainty. Has this happened to you? Maybe you felt God leading you to say yes to Him, yet you didn’t go out for a play, you held back from introducing yourself to a new girl at school, or you resisted telling a guy you like about your faith. Every day has chances like these to step forward in God’s leading, but we have to be prepared and ready to notice these opportunities from Him. When we are prepared and we do step out in faith, He will bless our yes!

You’re Invited…

to Attend God’s Surprise Party for You

WHAT:

The party you don’t want to miss! This is a gathering of God’s best for you…love, grace, hope, promises, and the joy of His wonder and will. All the great surprises of faith.

WHEN:

This moment. Forget the excuses. Get ready for something extraordinary.

WHERE:

On the other side of the door. Don’t hesitate. Open the door. God and the incredible surprises of the yes journey are waiting for you.

WHAT TO BRING:

Everything is provided…so leave behind all that is ordinary. You’ll want to be able to receive the extraordinary gifts God has chosen just for you.

How to Make HIStory

I love the word “history” because when we break it down we see that it means “His story.” Your personal history might have times of pain or trouble. There might be moments of sadness or loneliness. And your past might be littered with some mistakes, but God is a God of transformation. He uses each and every part of your history and present to make an extraordinary new story.

As I’ve spoken to a lot of young women from around the country, I’ve been saddened to discover how many miss out on the most exciting part of being a Christian—experiencing God and experiencing their extraordinary story through Him. This is the great gift of being a Christian. The gift isn’t about perfection or becoming the most popular person in school because you are blessed. The gift is being able to live out your extraordinary story with and through God’s amazing love. It’s incredible.

Those who say they want more in their Christian life are often looking outside of their personal relationship with God for the secret. They want their church, their pastor, or someone or something else to be the missing piece. These supports can make your faith stronger, but it is your one-on-one experience with God that changes everything.

You and I are on our way to recognizing and experiencing what that “more” can look like. It’s a relationship with God that allows us to

know His voice

live in expectation of His activity

embrace a life totally sold out for Him

I suspect you desire such closeness with God. This fulfillment of this desire is real and amazing. And this incredible adventure starts with the wild willingness to say yes.

In today’s world, it is radical to obey God’s commands, listen to the Holy Spirit’s convictions, and walk in Jesus’ character. And we’ll experience the amazing blessings God has in store for us when we speak that big, freeing “Yes, Lord.” This response to God’s call, His requests, and His hope for us will lead to a great, unforgettable faith story.

Don’t stumble over the fear you won’t be perfect and you’ll likely mess up. Saying yes to God isn’t about perfect performance, but rather perfect surrender to the Lord day by day. It’s about experiencing the full blessing of God by giving your full attention to God when He asks you to trust Him. It’s having the overwhelming desire to walk in the center of His will at every moment. The life of yes happens when you hear God, feel His nudges, participate in His activity, and experience His blessings in ways few people ever do.

The God of the universe wants to use you in great ways. Are you ready?

There is only one requirement for this adventure. We have to set our rules and agendas aside—our dos and don’ts—and follow God’s command. His one requirement is so simple and yet so profound: Say yes to Me. That’s it. That is the entire Bible, Old Testament and New, hundreds of pages, thousands of verses, all wrapped up in those four words.

God’s Word for You

Psalm 19:7-10 says,

The revelation of God is whole and pulls our lives together. The signposts of God are clear and point out the right road. The life-maps of God are right, showing the way to joy. The directions of God are plain and easy on the eyes. God’s reputation is twenty-four-carat gold, with a lifetime guarantee. The decisions of God are accurate down to the nth degree. God’s Word is better than a diamond, better than a diamond set between emeralds. You’ll like it better than strawberries in spring, better than red, ripe strawberries (msg).

What does this passage tell you about God’s nature?

Which of these promises are ones you really needed to hear right now? Why?

Read Deuteronomy 6:5. What might loving God with your heart, soul, and strength look like in your daily life?

Psalm 16:7-9 says,

I will bless the Lord who guides me; even at night my heart instructs me. I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in safety.

Describe how these verses ease your worries or concerns.

Living Y.E.S. (Your Extraordinary Story)

Have you ever felt God leading you to do something? How did you respond?

What holds you back from going deeper in your relationship with God? Time? Intimidation? Doubt about the Bible’s relevance to life? Worry about what others will say? Fear that God will let you down like people have? Write down which of these or other barriers come between you and an extraordinary faith right now.

How might God’s love counter these obstacles?

Why are you ready now to experience God’s great surprises for you?

In this chapter we read, “Being a young woman who says yes to God is about trusting Him even when you can’t understand why He requires some of the things He does. It also means that once you’ve said yes to God, you refuse to turn back, even when things get hard.”

List two ways you want to trust God by saying yes to Him this week.

1.

2.

What title would you give your extraordinary story?

Yes Prayer

Your extraordinary story unfolds each time you listen to God and follow His leading. Here is a prayer to lead you to each of God’s sweet surprises for you.

Dear God, I am putting away all my excuses so I can fully celebrate who You are and who I am in You. Thank You for adopting me as Your child and loving me unconditionally. I want to grow closer to You as I trust You more completely. I know You will ask me to grow and to move outside of my comfort zone, but with Your strength and help, I’m ready to experience my extraordinary story. I say yes to You with great joy. In Jesus’ name, amen.

***Special thanks to Ginger Chen for sending me a review copy.***

You Are Not AloneOn Mission with God

To be the mother of a son is not for the faint of heart. I remember when my son Brandon was born. Looking into his little face, the feelings within me were somehow different from four years earlier when I had given birth to my daughter. I felt so inadequate as I weighed the responsibility of molding this baby into a man. Up to this point, raising a girl had not been a difficult challenge. It was clear that she was like me, with all the love for being a girl that she could express. She loved shoes and colorful bows for her hair. She was extremely social and adored her friends. And her daddy? Oh, she loved her daddy. Yes, relating to her had been no problem at all.

Yet now in my arms I was holding a helpless baby boy who would grow into a man. Even the mere task of changing his diaper was intimidating with his recently circumcised appendage. I remember thinking, I cannot imagine that soft little face one day having whiskers. As I studied his hands so tiny and fragile, I thought of how they may one day be rough and calloused like his father’s.

When you gave birth to your son, did you find yourself imagining what kind of man he might become? When it came to my son, I did not want to raise a momma’s boy, yet I wanted to be his protector. I did not want him to be rough and reckless, but I did want him to be strong. I wanted him to become a wonderful, godly man like his father. After I took the little guy home and began to raise him, I found my parenting overshadowed with a fear of doing it wrong. I gradually developed a sort of reactionary mode—he acted and I reacted. Rather than following a clear path toward shaping his life, the fear of what I did not want my son to be became my standard. I was merely putting out fires rather than kindling the flames of my son’s character.

My husband and I had always wanted our home to be a place of peace, and yet I found in reality it had become a chaotic environment ruled by my emotions. Because I did not want to disappoint my husband, I did not let him know how much I was struggling. The day my daughter said to me, “I know you can’t wait until we are grown up so that you can do whatever you want” was the day that I knew I needed to get some help. It broke my heart that I had given her that notion. I loved being a mother; it was what I wanted to do. Yet in my harried frustration, that was not at all the impression I had given my sweet little girl.

Feeling even more inadequate and alone, I began to read books about parenting, from which I compiled a sort of how-to list. I soon discovered that the list did not have the power to change me. It became a burdensome reminder of the standard I was unable to measure up to. I lacked fortitude for this new adventure. I knew that I needed to become a kind, courageous, and confident mother if I was ever going to raise kind, courageous, confident children. I desired to be a godly mother who raised godly children. But where would I find the direction I so desperately longed for?

I Need Help, Lord!

Reading books had given me some basic ground rules for this new playing field, but I also wanted to learn from real-life examples. My mother-in-law, who had raised two wonderful sons, had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and was no longer the vibrant help she had been when my daughter was born. The young mothers I knew seemed no more prepared for raising a son than I was. I had no idea how to ask God for what I needed. I felt alone and desperate for answers. I’ve since learned that one of God’s favorite prayers is that of a simple cry for help flowing from a humble and desperate heart. I was both humbled and desperate as I uttered the plea, “I need help, Lord.” God graciously answered my prayer by bringing several older, godly women into my life. I am now 50, and I have to laugh at how old they seemed to me when I was in my twenties. These women were not scholars or trained in child development. As mothers of sons, they had traveled down this path ahead of me. They had insights and understanding into what I was experiencing. Their lives had not been perfect or free from trials. They were genuine, precious, and vulnerable as they taught me what God had taught them. When I shared my struggles I did not feel judged; rather, I felt loved.

Titus 2:4 instructs older women to admonish younger women how to love their husbands and their children, and this group of women wholeheartedly obeyed that command. Of all the friendships I have had, the relationships that developed with these women have by far been the most pivotal in my life. They taught me not only how to parent, but how to become the mother God wanted me to become. In writing this book, my heart’s desire is to be an older woman God can use to pour courage and confidence into you, just as those women did for me.

The Mission of Motherhood

One life-changing insight I received from these wonderful women was that I had been called by God to the mission of motherhood. And so have you. God has called you to join Him in the work He plans to do in your children. To become the instrument God will use to train your son somehow sheds glorious light on the unique ministry of motherhood, doesn’t it? The Bible instructs God’s servants to “take heed to the ministry which you have received in the Lord, that you may fulfill it” (Colossians 4:17). There is no pass. No get-out-of-jail free card. Your ministry came in the form of your son. How will you prepare yourself for that ministry? God never intended mothers to go it alone. Through His Word, He wants to equip you to train your children to love and trust Him.

As you follow God in molding the character of your son, you will undoubtedly face situations that are out of your control. It should come as no surprise that life is unpredictable. The Bible warns, “Do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you”  (1 Peter 3:12). When you face struggles, yielding your emotions to the roller coaster of circumstances will only add to the stress and result in chaos.

As you parent your children, if your focus is on every turn of events, you will certainly be overwhelmed and afraid. Fear and confusion will rob you of courage. By contrast, focusing on God and resting in His character will bring peace. Rather than subjecting your family to the gyrations of your emotional reactions, you can develop the habit of responding with an unwavering confidence in who God is. Knowing God intimately is a vital attribute of being a godly mother. How does one develop that kind of confidence in God? I looked to these older women for answers, and they directed me to the Bible.

When I spent time with these women, I observed their peaceful responses to the chaos of life. They displayed a resolve to seek after the Lord in every situation. They were not just church ladies who did good things for God; their hearts reflected His heart. They were by no means perfect, but they were genuine. Their lives had not been without trials and heartache; each had their own story of the struggles they had faithfully endured. In my estimation, the greatest measure of their parenting success was their sons’ genuine love for them and for the Lord.

The Crossroad

I found myself at a crossroad when the women encouraged me to attend their ladies’ Bible study. Honestly, my motivation was, “Free babysitting and two hours with grown-ups? I’m in!” Totally spiritual, right? During the first class session I was given a homework book. I thought, Homework? No problem. I had gone to Christian schools; I can fill in the blanks without even having to look up the verses. I know, my response was arrogant. I was arrogant! (God would reveal that to me later, but that is a topic for another chapter.)

When I got home and opened the book, I was blown away by how much work I had to do. This was not the typical fill-in-the-blank book. This was a Precept Ministries International Bible study  that assigned five hours of homework each week. Evidently my new friends were under the impression that I had time on my hands. There was no way I could do that much homework! I concluded that these women had their children so long ago they had forgotten how much was needed to care for a baby. When I called my friend Gayle to explain I couldn’t possibly keep up with the class, she kindly encouraged me to hang in there for just one semester. She offered to help me by babysitting, and promised that I would be forever changed by the experience. I reluctantly agreed to her offer because I did not want her to think I was not spiritual.

I kept the study book open on my kitchen table and worked on the assignments a little bit at a time. I studied while nursing, and in between changing diapers and folding laundry. Do you know what I found? For the first time in my life, I began to crave the Word of God. I looked forward to my few minutes of open time here and there to learn from Him. I began to be transformed by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2). My thinking was different. My parenting was different. Life’s experiences were being filtered through God’s truth, and that truth was changing who I was.

Even my husband, Steve, noticed the change. Fear was replaced with peace, anxiety with confidence. My propensity to people pleasing was overshadowed by a genuine desire to please God. I had given my heart to Christ when I was young, but had never before experienced this kind of longing to know Him. Up till now I had always viewed reading the Bible as a religious duty. But this was very different from duty. I was hungry for God and His Word. I was developing an unwavering resolve to seek God.

What about you—do you long to seek after God? Are you hungering after His Word, and eager to cultivate a deeper personal relationship with the One who created you, knows your heart better than anyone else, and provides for your every need?

Or perhaps as you’re reading this you realize you’ve never taken that step to receive Christ as your Savior and Lord. Or maybe you’re uncertain as to whether you are a Christian. If you would like to know more about how to give your heart to Christ and have an intimate relationship with Him, please see the appendix, “How to Have a Relationship with Jesus.”

Resolve to Seek God

So what does this resolve look like—this hungering and thirsting after God? In the Bible I read a passage that spoke what my heart longed to express: “My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast” (Psalm 57:7). When I read that, I felt I had to know more about the person who penned that phrase! Those words were written by David amidst one of the greatest trials of his young life. Oh yes, I wanted to know more about this man David. What kind of woman had raised a son like this? I wanted to live how he lived, and even more, I wanted to raise my son to be like him.

David, while not without his faults, was devoted to seeking God. In Psalm 89:20, God proclaimed, “I have found My servant David…” Note that God said He found David. Elsewhere in Scripture we read that “the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him” (2 Chronicles 16:9). Can you picture that? The eyes of God moving all across the earth in search of individuals whose hearts are loyal to Him. Why? So that He can show Himself mighty on their behalf. Isn’t that exciting? You don’t have to do this mother thing alone. God stands ready to offer you His strength. He is more concerned about the man your son becomes than you are!

Learning to love God will make your heart loyal to Him. When I say this, I’m not talking about being a religious woman—that is, someone who merely goes through the motions of religious duty and rituals in the hopes that you can somehow earn God’s favor. No, I’m talking about genuine change that starts in the heart and draws upon God’s power and wisdom. I’m talking about a true inner love and passion for God and not mere external behavior that might look good to others but amounts to nothing more than hollow actions. The loyalty God seeks comes from the heart.

The Holy Spirit can use your loyal heart to draw your son to know and obey God. If your faith isn’t authentic, your son will know it, and that will likely turn him away from the things of God. It is only as you truly love God and surrender to His perfect will that you are enabled to live as an example to your son and make God attractive to him.

I Surrender All?

David was willing to do anything God asked of him. God said, “I have found David the son of Jesse, a man after My own heart, who will do all My will” (Acts 13:22). As David was growing up, he expressed his love for God in his psalms of worship. Out of that love grew trust. When David was just a young shepherd boy God allowed him to experience circumstances that would help to build that trust and to give him courage for the trials that he would face in the future. In the course of guarding the family sheep,

Run away in fear

Question God’s goodness, and become bitter or angry

Rely on the power of God to persevere and know victory
Relying on God’s strength, David chose to stay and fight. His conquest over the lion and the bear prepared him to later fight a God-blaspheming giant who had taunted the Israelite army (1 Samuel 17:36-37). Does David’s kind of surrender of his life to God scare you? You can be honest with God; He already knows your thoughts. As a young mother, I had a deep-seated fear that if I surrendered my children to the Lord, He would test my loyalty by taking them from me. Have you ever struggled with such fears? The Bible can calm your heart as you learn that God is a loving and merciful Father. There is no reason to fear what God might do, for His love for your son is greater than any love you have. And His plans for your son are greater than your plans. What’s more, God has the power to accomplish those plans.

Practical Applications from David’s Mother

Have you ever asked yourself where David’s momma was while he was out there camping with the sheep and wrestling wild animals? Well, she wasn’t there fighting his battles for him. We can learn a lot from David’s mom.

She allowed her boy to become a man while he was still living at home. David was her youngest son, yet she allowed him to leave the safety of home to do the dangerous work of a shepherd. She recognized David would find a sense of accomplishment in contributing to the family business. What kind of man might he have been if his mother’s fears kept him tied to her apron strings? She seemed to know when to step back and allow him to face challenges without micromanaging his choices.

It can be frightening to loosen your grip on your son as he matures. All too often mothers coddle their sons in an attempt to protect them or make life easier for them, only to cripple their ability to manage themselves when they leave the safety of their homes. Making a conscious effort to allow and even orchestrate opportunities for your son to accomplish tasks away from your watchful eye will allow him to develop his courage and his ability to make decisions.

She had the courage to leave his safety in the hands of God. In those lonely hours spent on the hillsides, David learned how to be a man. God had used trials to develop his loyal heart. David’s mother seemed to have resisted the temptation to rescue him at every turn. The Bible says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6). The Lord wants to be involved in your parenting decisions moment by moment. As you trust and acknowledge Him at each turn, He will make your path straight. If you rely on your own understanding and fight every battle for your son, how will he learn to rely on God’s strength? Sometimes God will ask you to let your little boy battle that bear. Are you willing?

She respected her husband’s wisdom. When David was a teenager His father, Jesse, sent him to the battlefront with food for his older brothers. You don’t hear David’s mother protesting, “Not my baby! He is too young to go.”

Over the years there have been many times that my husband has given one of our boys a responsibility that I thought was too much for him. My initial instinct was to come to the boy’s defense and explain why my husband was making a wrong decision. More often than not, I was the one in the wrong. I had to learn that my husband, who was a man, had more discernment with regard to what our sons could and couldn’t handle. (By the way, if your son does not have a father, do not despair; we will discuss that later in this book.)

David’s mother raised a man after God’s heart. Do you want to do the same with your son? What kind of mother might you be if you resolved to seek after God more diligently? How would your surrendered life affect your son’s character development?

A Courageous Mother

Moses is another man who was used greatly by God. Who was his mother? Jochebed found herself in a troubled time in Israel’s history. The descendants of Jacob had become slaves in Egypt. The slaves grew so great in number that the Egyptians became fearful. So Pharaoh sent out a proclamation that the Hebrew midwives should kill every baby boy born to the Hebrew women.

At the risk of losing their own lives, two courageous midwives, Shiphrah and Puah, refused to murder the babies. Eventually the frustrated Pharaoh decreed that all the Egyptians throw newborn Hebrew boys into the river, but keep the daughters alive (Exodus 1:15-17).

A Difficult Dilemma

When Jochebed and her husband, Amram, gave birth to Moses, they did their best to hide their lovely son for as long as they could. By the time Moses was three months old, however, it would have been a matter of time before someone found and killed him. Something had to be done, or surely he would end up dying (Exodus 1:15–2:10; Hebrews 11:23).

I can only imagine the ache in Jochebed’s heart as she carefully wrapped her precious baby boy in her favorite blanket. As tears streamed down her face, would she have attempted a brave smile into his little face? As if to somehow give him the courage she may desperately have needed for herself ?

As Jochebed prepared to place Moses in a basket upon the Nile River, her daughter, who was standing nearby, would likely have questioned the rationale of her mother’s plan. “You’re gonna put him in that basket, Mother? Will it float? What if water leaks in? What about the snakes and crocodiles?” Surely Jochebed had already asked herself these questions as well. Could this really be Jehovah’s answer to her prayer to save her son? She must have been confident her idea was from the Lord to even attempt the plan. And yet, would she end up wavering in her conviction as she prepared to send her son afloat on the Nile River? Try to put yourself in Jochebed’s sandals. I don’t know about you, but three months after my son was born I was still a hormonal, emotional mess! Trying to cope with hiding my newborn from people who wanted to kill him—coupled with the anxiety of trying to silence him each time he cried—would have sent me over the edge!

A Complete Trust in God

I am in awe of Jochebed’s composure here. Rather than ranting and raving to Amram about their difficult situation, which I am ashamed to say would have been my default mode, she carefully built a little ark for her son. Instead of running to each of her girlfriends for advice, she quietly acted on the plan that God had put in her heart. Can you just hear how her friends might have responded if she had solicited their advice? First you have the nay-sayers: “Jochebed, that is a crazy plan. The baby will surely drown, and if not drown, he will get eaten by crocodiles. Wouldn’t you prefer to know for certain what happens to him?” Then there would have been the hopeless: “Your plan will never work, Jochebed. Just give up. God doesn’t care about your baby. He didn’t care about mine when the soldiers came and killed him. Why are you any different? If the soldiers catch you with that baby, surely you will be put to death. What will become of your other children? You have a responsibility to them.”

Although advice is often practical, sometimes our friends can practical us right into disobeying the Lord. Have you ever experienced the Lord impressing upon you to do something that others have questioned? I have, and in such times, it can be confusing to discern what the right path is.

How puzzled the people in Jochebed’s generation must have been. God had called Israel His chosen people, yet He allowed them to suffer greatly. How is it possible to place your trust in God when your circumstances appear to be wildly out of His control? But we know there were some people who still trusted God. Among them were the midwives who, at great risk, chose to protect the Hebrew babies. Where did they find the courage to disobey Pharaoh’s decree? And where did Jochebed find the strength to do something about her circumstances?

If you were in this terrible scenario, how do you think you would have responded? My natural tendency would likely have been to pull blankets over my head and wait for things to get better. How could Jochebed ever have brought herself to let go of the little basket? Do you think you could have sent your baby boy down the Nile River? Imagine watching him float out of your secure hands into the unknown. Where would a mother find the courage to do such a thing?

A Miraculous Intervention from God

As Jochebed watched her baby float away, she demonstrated courage that was not found in her ability to preserve the life of her young son. Her decision that day required she follow a plan that had no answers. Yet she sent the baby away from her protection and into the care of her God. That kind of courage comes only in the life of one who has developed a genuine trust in God. Jochebed’s confidence in the Lord was evident in her actions.

If Jochebed had tightened her grip on baby Moses and attempted to continue hiding him, she would not have experienced what happened next. Her trusting obedience was rewarded with nothing short of a miracle. When the daughter of Pharaoh drew the little Hebrew baby from the basket floating on the Nile, the Lord moved her heart to compassion. Not only did the Egyptian princess proclaim she would adopt Moses as her son; she sent his very own sister—who happened to be nearby—to find a nursemaid for the baby. And of course, Moses’ sister pointed Pharaoh’s daughter to Moses’ own mother! God blessed Jochebed’s obedience by making her Moses’ nursemaid.

Making the Most of a Brief Opportunity

During the few years Jochebed was permitted to nurse her son, she would have had a profound influence upon him. Surely Jochebed would have told little Moses stories of the faithfulness of the God of Israel. Knowing their time together would not be long, Jochebed would likely have had a sense of urgency to teach Moses to love her God. We mothers would do well to remind ourselves that the time we have to influence our children is short, and we are to begin developing their love for God in their earliest years.

Never underestimate the amount of influence you can have on your son in his first years of life. In her book Six Ways to Keep the “Good” in Your Boy, Dannah Gresh states, “In 2005, the findings of a new study released in Pediatrics found that parent-infant connection—intentional togetherness—plays a key role in shaping the right side of an infant’s brain during the first year of life.” Noted neuroscientist Allan Schore says, “The brain of an infant…is not just shaped by genetics but also by experience in the last trimester of pregnancy through the child’s first year and a half of life…A parent or other caregiver can provide this early attachment, but large day-care situations may be less ideal.”

Do not be naive and assume that dropping your child off at an impersonal day-care facility every day won’t leave an imprint upon him. If you must work, it is essential that the person caring for your child loves your God and will emulate that love to your son. Though Jochebed had a very short time to influence Moses, the impression she made was strong enough that it stayed with him even when he grew older and lived in Pharaoh’s palace. Her teachings were likely the foundation God used to build Moses’ faith. And sure enough, when Moses grew older, he chose to suffer with his people rather than enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season in the palaces of Egypt (Hebrews 11:24-25).

The Bible does not say much about Jochebed and her character qualities. Her name, in Hebrew, means “Jehovah glorified.” Glorified, as used here, means “to make weighty, to make glorious.” Jochebed’s actions certainly lived up to her name. In her decision to trust Jehovah, His name was made glorious.

The Influence of a Few Years

The Lord did not bring our oldest boy, Tony, into our lives until he was 15 years old. For years our family has attempted to find a way to illustrate to people, in a clear way, how Tony became our son. About a year ago Tony, now in his thirties, called me, excited about a movie he had watched. He said, “I know I am not a big black football player like the guy in the movie, but what I saw reminds me so much of our family. And the mom in the movie reminds me of you!” I had seen the very popular movie only days before. I had cried while watching it because it brought back memories of when Tony first came to live with us. He lived in our home for only a short time, but just as the Lord had used Jochebed’s few years with Moses to shape him for life, God gave us a brief window of opportunity to give Tony a strong foundation for life.

Tony had already bonded with Steve even before he had moved in with us. Steve was his youth pastor, and right from the beginning they enjoyed a wonderful relationship. When Tony graduated from high school, he gave “Big Steve,” as he called him, a card saying thank-you for becoming his dad. It was a touching note that Steve still keeps with his most treasured possessions. We kind of look at that card as Tony’s “official adoption papers.”

During Tony’s short time with us, he and I had great talks about his new life as a believer, and about

girls. We talked about his dream to become a fighter pilot, about God’s character, and about girls. We discussed God’s plan for marriage…and did I mention we talked about girls? While Tony and I got along well, he related to me with love and respect, but never as his momma. I wanted to be a mom to him, but I respected that he had a mother whom he loved, and that he didn’t necessarily need another.

Upon graduating from high school, Tony was accepted to Texas A&M University. It was difficult for our family to say good-bye to him, but we were excited about the opportunities before him. I determined that my new role in his life would be as a prayer supporter.

Right away Tony, our overachiever, went out for the drill team, a much-sought-after and competitive position. The requirements were grueling. All the while, he was taking a full load of classes. By September, Tony had been selected for the team and he was thrilled—thrilled and exhausted.

One day Tony called home. In a weak and shaky voice, he said he had a severe case of pneumonia and would need to take a break from all activities. He told me he was not going to tell his drill commander he was sick for fear of losing his place on the drill team. Oh my sweet boy, who had worked so hard to achieve his goals! He had been such a man and accomplished great things. Now all I could hear was a little boy who needed a mother.

I asked the Lord for discernment. As I said earlier, we as mothers need to learn when God wants us to step back and allow our young men to battle their trials alone. But somehow I sensed this was different. Tony had worked so hard to land a spot on the team, and now he was terribly sick. I felt that the least I could do was ask Tony if I could make a phone call on his behalf. Reluctantly, he agreed.

I called a friend of Tony’s who was an alumnus of the school. He promised to make some calls. Soon I heard back from the drill team’s commandant, who called to assure me that Tony’s place on the team was secure. With that taken care of, we brought our very sick boy home and I took care of him until he got better. Through that experience, God knit our hearts together, and I became a momma to Tony.

Tony went on to graduate from college and became a fighter pilot. While he has achieved many amazing goals, I was never more proud of him than on the day he called to say, “You know, I am living my dream, and I now realize that it is not enough. My Sunday school teacher, a retired fighter pilot, told me that if I am doing all of this but I’m not surrendered to Christ, my life will be wasted.”

When asked how being a part of our family influenced him, Tony said, “The family was, and continues to be, my living definition of both what God expects from me, and what He wants for me. I am thankful for this example, and I have no doubt that it was God’s plan for our lives to connect.”

Only God Knows

Jochebed had no idea she was being used by the Lord to train a child who would one day become the deliverer of Israel. When David’s mother sent her young son to the battlefront, how could she have known God had been preparing him to slay a giant? And would she have ever dreamed that her gentle warrior would one day be the king of Israel, as well as a man after God’s own heart?

I say all that to bring up this very important point: The first teachers of these godly leaders were not theologians; they were mothers. And you are your son’s first teacher about God as well. You share the same role God entrusted to Moses’ and David’s mothers.

Generation after generation, the mission of motherhood has been the same. God invites mothers to join Him in molding the character of their sons. Will you partner with God in teaching your son how to love Him? The Word of God is your textbook. Will you determine to prepare yourself for this ministry? The Lord is searching for hearts that are loyal to Him. The same One who called the mothers of Jochebed and David is calling you. Only God knows the future that awaits your son. What an amazing honor He has given you. You are the vessel that the Lord will use to prepare your son for a lifetime of use by Him.

***Special thanks to Ginger Chen for sending me a review copy.***

How Can I Talk to You?Do everything in love.

1 Corinthians 16:14

At some point, every parent and child will ask, “How can I talk to you about this?” The simplest question about sex from the mouth of your child can send shivers up the back of all of us. And our kids will have hundreds of questions about love, sex, dating, and relationships as they grow up! When it does happen, when they do ask those sometimes hard-to-answer questions, we grown-ups often vacillate between feeling all flustered and tongue-tied or traveling clear to the other end of the spectrum and getting a heart-pounding sense of duty to communicate everything on this delicate subject perfectly so as not to warp our children forever. Often we feel much like the parent in this story:

One day a grade-schooler came home and in the middle of doing her spelling homework she asked her mother, “How do you get babies?”

Flustered, the mother rambled, explaining about the birds and bees and body parts. She waxed on about moral responsibility and wise choices. Her daughter sat wide-eyed and mouth gaping open as she tried to process the barrage of information.

The next day while the little girl sat doing her homework again, she proclaimed to her mother, “Mom! I know how to make babies!”

Mom smiled, thinking the talk had gone better than she first thought. Then her daughter said, “Our teacher told us today. You drop the y and add ies!

Imperfect in delivery—but this mom’s heart was in the right place because she cared! And you care too. You picked up this book because you care. You care about your child’s, your tween’s, or your teen’s well-being. You care about his or her choices. You care about every part of their lives, even one of the most sensitive, yet most vital areas of their soul: their sexual identity, sexual choices, and future sexual enjoyment. You are to be commended. As a parent, you are a cut above average. You are willing to step out and step into the whirlwind of controversy, questions, and continual avalanche of information (some good and some bad) on this topic. You are reaching out and walking into this unknown place because deep in your heart, you want to protect your child from pain and provide him or her with the happiest possible future. If we could give you a medal for being a brave, concerned, involved parent, we would. You are our hero, but more importantly, you are a hero to your son or daughter.

What Is a Hero?

Because this book was written during wartime, with the media daily flashing stories of the heroic, we want to draw a comparison between you, the parent, and our brave men and women in uniform who fight to defend our democracy and liberty. They put themselves in harm’s way on our behalf. These heroes do so because they believe in a greater cause: freedom.

We had the awesome honor of being asked to speak at Walter Reed Army Medical Center for the soldiers in the Wounded Warrior unit at a couples’ date night. One of the soldiers there shared a list of his injuries with us: brain trauma, shrapnel throughout his body from an exploding IED, a broken shoulder, and a leg shattered from the knee down. The broken leg wasn’t discovered for months after the explosion because this soldier just kept using it!

I (Pam) was so overcome with emotion, I fumbled for words. “Oh, dear! That is quite a list! I am thankful you are here…thankful you are alive!”

He replied, “I promised my family I would come home. They can try to blow me up. They can shoot my legs out from under me. They can break my shoulder so bad that with every step it sends excruciating pain throughout my body. But if I can move, if I can crawl, if I can drag myself forward, if my heart is still beating in my body, I will come home—whatever it takes—whatever it takes!”

Everyone within earshot—especially his wife—was crying at his heroism. The soldier had hobbled and crawled for miles, every move sending searing pain through his body. He had vowed to make it to safety so his kids and family could be safer too. His desire to stay alive for his children imprinted a heroic picture of love in my mind. But his words “Whatever it takes, whatever it takes,” compelled and motivated us once again to never give up, never give in when it comes to our own children.

Whatever It Takes

The Bible shares a story of a great hero, a hero to our hearts, souls, minds, bodies, and futures. One of the writers of the New Testament, Paul, explained the hero’s actions this way:

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name (Philippians 2:5-9).

The hero I’m talking about? Jesus. He wasn’t thinking about Himself when He died on the cross. He was thinking about you; He was thinking about me; He was thinking about our kids and His desire to set us all free from the chains of our own sins. We were on His heart and He was so other-centered He did whatever it took to keep us free.

This passage also calls us to follow His other-centered mindset. And this command is repeated numerous times, as in Ephesians 5:1-2: “Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us.” We are to walk in the “way of love”—His sacrificial love. Living with others in mind is heroic because it is counterintuitive. We are all born selfish, after all. Heroism goes against our fallen nature. By nature we would rather opt for self-protection. And that self-protective attitude can make us timid rather than heroic. If you’re honest with yourself, when it comes to talking to your children and planning how to best care for and guard their futures, thoughts like these might have already gone through your mind. They’ve sure gone through ours!

All this sex talk makes me feel uncomfortable!

What if I give them stupid advice?

What if I am not the cool parent anymore?

What if my child doesn’t like what I say?

What if my child doesn’t like me because of my views?

What if I look bad because I didn’t do everything right?

All those statements have the word me or I in them. They are self-focused. When it comes to helping your child, you have to decide in your heart that it is not about you: It’s about your kid and it’s about God. When you make that choice, you, as a concerned parent, are placing the needs of your child first. That is a heroic decision.

Heroes Need Help Too

Heroes don’t have to know everything. Here are some legitimate questions you might ask yourself as you teach your child about sex:

How do I know when to begin talking about sex with my child?

What do I say? When should I say it? And where should it be said?

How can I balance protecting my child’s innocence yet make him or her savvy enough to not follow the crowd or be abused?

Who can I trust to help me figure this out?

What do I do if I made mistakes in the area of sex and dating? How can I give advice to my own kid when I messed up so badly?

How can I be tactful and tasteful yet specific and accurate?

How can I handle my own pain or fears if I was abused, yet still hand down a positive view of sex to my kids?

Where do I find the guts to do this?

You are not alone in your questions, fears, or discomfort. One journal in pediatric medicine explains,

Because most parents do not feel comfortable or competent talking with their adolescents about sexual issues, they tend to limit conversations to “safe” topics, such as developmental changes (e.g., menstruation and other pubertal changes), impersonal aspects of sexuality (e.g., reproductive facts), and negative consequences, such as AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases. In contrast, parents tend to avoid or cover in a cursory way more private topics, such as masturbation, the psychological and experiential aspects of sexuality such as orgasm or sexual decision-making, and how to obtain and use condoms. It is, therefore, not surprising that a significant majority of both adolescents and parents feel dissatisfied with such restricted communication about sexuality. In general, teenagers perceive a gap between the topics that their parents cover during sexual discussions and the more delicate topics about which they are concerned.

It is our goal in this book to lessen your stress—and the stress on your children—by offering some easy-to-use researched information, quick-to-find tools, and helpful conversation starters. And we’ll try to make you laugh along the way, because there’s nothing like laughter to take the awkwardness out of having “the talk!”

A Battle for Love

Why spend so much time reminding you that you’re the hero of your kids’  hearts and lives? Because it’s a battle out there! What with the discourse and dialogue about sexual choices, the definition of marriage and family, the discussion of what is right, moral, pure, good, and healthy, the most intimate, personal issue of all—sex—can become a battlefield strewn with land mines.

There are two opposing ways to view sex: One is God’s, the other, Satan’s. God’s view is that sexual love is made for what I can give. It is to be protected through the context of marriage. Satan tells us that sex is for what I can get. In this view, sex is to be exploited until it uses up everyone in its path.

On September 11, 2001, thousands of men, women, and children died at the hands of terrorists. The terrorists succeeded in their destruction in part because America was taken by surprise. Who would ever think of such a heinous crime as to fly planes full of innocent people into an office building full of more innocent people? Only those who embody evil could hatch that plot. We wrote this book so you will not be taken by surprise as a parent. Be assured, the evil one is hatching plenty of plots to ravage the children we love so dearly.

The enemy of our soul wants to “steal and kill and destroy” while Jesus says He came that we “may have life, and have it to the full”  (????John 10:10). God also gave us all the ingredients to make relationships function in a healthy manner: The fruit of the Spirit is “love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” And God’s definition of love is clear:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

And that is what we all want for our kids, right? We want them to be able to produce an enduring love that protects, perseveres, and provides a life filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and fidelity. And if you are like us, you pray that someday each of your children will find someone to love them this same wonderful way.

Teaming up with God to help your children reach the goal of loving by God’s design and being loved that way in return will take your heroic love. Your parental love must become a love that always perseveres and a love that does whatever it takes to provide the best for your son’s or daughter’s future.

Statistically speaking, most of the people who read this book will have some chapters they wish they could forget in their past. They wish they had done a few things differently growing up. But it’s time to set aside shame, guilt, and finger-pointing. Some of you didn’t know God’s plan for love, so how could you follow it? Others had a rebellious, wild-oats-sowing season of your life and you might have regrets. We don’t want you to feel any worse than you probably already do. We just want to help you help your own kids. That’s what heroic love does. It sets aside self-interest for the greater good of another.

Commit now to set aside your own issues and do what’s best for your kids. Are you willing to be heroic, no matter how much time, talent, energy, bravery, and resources it takes?

A Sacred Wedding Is Heroic

Two of our three children are married now, and we are delighted with their choices of a life partner. We prayed for those dear daughters-in-law for many years! And like us, you might already be praying for the person God has in mind for each of your children. We prayed specifically and daily for the young ladies each of our sons would someday marry. I (Pam) remember praying this prayer for our child’s future spouse the day we got the news we were going to have our first baby. We prayed many things for that baby still in utero:

that the child would form safely

that he or she would love God completely

that he or she would follow God wholeheartedly

that he or she would be protected from the evil of this world

that he or she would reach the God-given plan for his or her life

that he or she would one day take full responsibility and decide to make wise choices

that he or she would someday find a mate who also loved God with a whole heart

And on each wedding day, as that bride walked down the aisle, all those prayers of all those days echoed in our hearts and minds. That beautiful bride, that handsome groom, joined their lives in holy matrimony. It was a sacred moment. They would form a new family and the values we held so dear would pass from our generation to a generation yet to come. That is exactly God’s goal: to pass Christ-centered values and His plan of love from generation to generation:

One generation commends your works to another;

they tell of your mighty acts.

They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty—

and I will meditate on your wonderful works.

They tell of the power of your awesome works—

and I will proclaim your great deeds.

They celebrate your abundant goodness

and joyfully sing of your righteousness.

The Lord is gracious and compassionate,

slow to anger and rich in love.

Psalm 145:4-8

Wedding days are filled with happiness, joy, and love. The wedding ceremony is the vessel that demonstrates that love to the world. As people observe the love shared between the two people exchanging their vows, they gain the opportunity to see God and His love. The closer the couple is walking with Jesus, the better their love radiates God’s love.

We have been trained in all kinds of outreach and evangelistic methods, but it is the simple love we share that has had more people asking us, “What do you have that makes your lives and marriage so different from mine?”  At that moment, we have the delightful opportunity of sharing how anyone can receive and be lavished in the love of God. All they need to do is surrender to His plan and His path for their future—plans that God promises will give them “hope and a future” (????Jeremiah 29:11).

Sharing a vibrant sexual life in the marriage bed is one of the ways God shares a picture of His love. When it works the way He intended it to, sex in a healthy relationship is a real-life portrait of God’s relationship with us. Sex within marriage is one of God’s strongest tools of connecting a couple so their love best reflects the unity and passion of His love. Since relationships are at the core of how God communicates His love to us, let’s take a look at His view on this gift of sex.

God’s Ladder of Love

When you’re climbing a ladder, you start out with the first rung and then climb to the next—and then the next rung after that. Follow this progression with us.

Sex Was God’s Idea

Sex was God’s secret a long time before it was “Victoria’s Secret.” God initiated the idea of sex to keep the human race going. He could have decided on any technique, but He elected for a relationship; an act of biology so intricate that it worked at its best between two people who were committed to each other for a lifetime. To ensure this model would work, God set up the human race by creating just one man and one woman—two who were literally “a match made in heaven.”

The man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame (Genesis 2:20-25).

What a great picture of sex in a committed relationship! You could say God performed the first wedding ceremony when he actually created Eve for Adam! God ordained a one-man, one-woman marriage from the very beginning. In that context, this couple could be naked and not feel any shame. There were no others at the creation of marriage—just this one man and one woman. From their union the whole history of humankind would be produced.

Marriage Was God’s Idea

The first place we see God endorsing sex in this new marriage in the garden is at the Creation:

So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it” (Genesis 1:27-28).

Sex in marriage was created before the fall of mankind. Can you imagine sex with the perfect person God created for you, in an unadulterated environment, natural and wholesome, with no negatives attached because Satan hadn’t yet entered the scene? (It was after Satan tempted Eve that things like PMS and pain in childbirth were set in place.) Sex before the fall had no shame, no guilt, no pain…it was all good!

Marriage Is a Reflection of Christ’s Relationship with the Church

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:31-32).

Did you catch that last bit? God designed sex to be a reflection of Christ’s love and Christ’s commitment to the church. Inversely, it would seem, sex outside the bounds of matrimony, sex not carried out according to those biblical passages, is not a reflection of Christ’s relationship toward us. That is exactly what Satan wants—sex that’s distorted and all about what it can get! Satan wants to rob from your child’s future instead of preserving one of the most special gifts God ever designed for him or her.

Sex in Marriage Was God’s Idea

That is exactly why Satan hates the entire notion of love, marriage, and the pure, holy use of sex within the context of marriage. It gives God glory, and the devil hates that! Satan wants the glory all to himself, and that is why he is literally hell-bent on distorting sexuality, twisting love, and mocking the value of integrity, fidelity, holiness, and obedience to Jesus. And Satan will do anything to win, even if it is destroying the love life, physical wellness, or future of your child.

Which leads us back to why you are so heroic, Mom and Dad. You are standing in the way of Satan’s plan for ruining your child’s life and future. You are the precious protector and guardian of his or her destiny. Your goal is to protect your child while you equip him or her to protect their own life with good choices and decisions.

You Hold the Keys

Mom and Dad, you hold the key to your child’s future. Our friend Dave told us a beautiful story about this that penetrated me to the core. When his daughter Jody was a very little girl, she came home and announced her love interest in a little boy. Dave said to her, “Honey, when you are much older, there will be a day when you will want to give your heart to a man. He will have to be really special, and you will need to feel confident that he is the one God wants you to marry. Until then, I will keep your heart. I will keep it safe.”

Dave’s wife made a heart that hung in their home. On it hung two gold keys, one for each daughter. Anytime Dave prayed with his daughters, tucked them into bed, or performed any of the other daily interactions a loving father would have with his daughter, he’d say, “And who has the key to your heart?” His daughters would answer, “You do, Daddy.” Anytime he had to set a rule or make a correction he would begin with, “Remember who has the key to your heart?”

And the girls would answer, “You do, Daddy.” Then Dave would explain that because he, their daddy, had their best interests on his heart, he had to make decisions and choices to protect and provide the very best path for his daughters. Dave would explain, “God has called me to do this because God and Daddy love both of you little girls very much.”

Dave shared, “One day Jody met and fell in love with a fabulous man, Chris. She came to me and asked if she could have her heart now because she had found the man she wanted to give it to. I agreed and prayed and released her heart.”

On the day of their wedding, Dave asked Jody one last time, “Who has the key to your heart?” But this time the answer was different. It was the name of her new husband.

You, Mom and Dad, hold the key to both protect your child now and provide a hope for a happy future in his or her marriage. It is as if you are a security guard for an invaluable treasure.

Emergency Broadcast?This Is Not a Test!

We’re all aware of the emergency warning systems alerting us to things like flash floods, hurricanes, and tornadoes. I wish that same sound would go off when adults shirked their calling—I know I would like that kind of obvious signal!

In the area of sexuality, moral integrity, and fighting for the purity and futures of our children, we are in a state of emergency. This is not a test! Consider just a few of the more startling statistics:

Nearly half of U.S. high school students surveyed in 2011 had had sex, a third of them in the previous three months. Of these, almost 40 percent did not use a condom and 77 percent did not use birth control. About 15 percent of these students had had sex with four or more partners.

Eighty percent of evangelical young adults (ages 18 to 29) say they have had sex before marriage. Of these, 64 percent have done so within the last year and 42 percent are in a current sexual relationship.

In 2009, more than half of births to American women under 30 occurred outside marriage.

Worldwide there are approximately 42 million abortions every year.?? In 2008 there were 1.21 million in the United States alone—that’s 3,321 abortions every day.

One woman in four will be sexually assaulted during her lifetime. In a survey, one in twelve college men admitted to raping women. Thirty-five percent of college men indicated that they would rape a woman if they could be assured of not getting caught.?? (Getting caught is helping: DNA evidence has lowered the incidence of rape in the United States.)

Adolescents and young adults are at the greatest risk for acquiring an STD such as AIDS, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, and genital herpes. About 19 million new infections occur each year, almost half of them among people aged 15 to 24.

50,000 new HIV infections occur each year in the United States. In 2009, young persons accounted for 39 percent of all new HIV infections in the US.?? There is still no known cure for the death sentence of HIV/AIDS. Medicines only lengthen life and lessen symptoms.

Add to this all the gender identity confusion fueled by homosexual activists like Daniel Villarreal, who admits that gay activists actually do want to indoctrinate America’s children: “We want educators to teach future generations of children to accept queer sexuality,” he says. “In fact, our very future depends on it.” He bragged that their agenda was even broader than mere indoctrination. “I and a lot of other people want to indoctrinate, recruit, teach, and expose children to queer sexuality and there is nothing wrong with that” [emphasis his]. Writing in response to opposition of the same-sex marriage bill in New York, Villarreal said, “Recruiting children? You bet we are.”

What is the outcome of all this? Rebecca Hagelin, author of 30 Ways in 30 Days to Save Your Family, notes, “A sea of teenagers are living with regret. 55 percent of the boys and 70 percent of the girls who had sex now say they wish they had not.”

Mom and Dad, they need your help to rescue them from becoming a statistic.

Respond to the Emergency

Obviously God wants us to respond to what is going on around our children and in this culture. But what are we to do? First, be a watchman. In Ezekiel 3:17 God rouses the prophet: “Son of man, I have made you a watchman for the people of Israel; so hear the word I speak and give them warning from me.” You are like the sentry or watchman making rounds or stationed on a wall as a lookout—and your task is to be vigilant. But vigilant doing what? What’s a watchman supposed to do?

Watchmen work around the clock. “I have posted watchmen on your walls, Jerusalem; they will never be silent day or night” (Isaiah 62:6).

Watchmen patrol the streets to preserve order. “The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city” (Song of Songs 3:3).

Watchmen sound a warning. “When the lookout standing on the tower in Jezreel saw Jehu’s troops approaching, he called out, ‘I see some troops coming’?” (2 Kings 9:17).

Watchmen submit their duty to God. “Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain” (Psalm 127:1).

Watchmen are vigilant at all times. “Go, post a lookout and have him report what he sees…let him be alert, fully alert” (Isaiah 21:6-7).

In the Old Testament, God shows us how seriously He takes the role of the watchman:

When I bring the sword against a land, and the people of the land choose one of their men and make him their watchman, and he sees the sword coming against the land and blows the trumpet to warn the people, then if anyone hears the trumpet but does not heed the warning and the sword comes and takes their life, their blood will be on their own head. Since they heard the sound of the trumpet but did not heed the warning, their blood will be on their own head. If they had heeded the warning, they would have saved themselves. But if the watchman sees the sword coming and does not blow the trumpet to warn the people and the sword comes and takes someone’s life, that person’s life will be taken because of their sin, but I will hold the watchman accountable for their blood. Son of man, I have made you a watchman for the people of Israel; so hear the word I speak and give them warning from me (Ezekiel 33:1-7).

Now God set this principle in place in the Old Testament because in addition to the spiritual battle zone they found themselves in, Israel was waging a physical war for their very survival as a nation. That is not what we are dealing with (at least not yet!), so the consequence for slacking is not death, but the point is clear: The watchman’s job was so vital that a stiff penalty was in store for those who shirked on their duty. Today, if you make an error as a parent, God is not going to wipe you off the face of the earth.

However, if you miss something important in your son’s or daughter’s life or surroundings, chances are you will have a bigger battle on your hands. Anytime anyone steps out of God’s design for living, things get confusing, messy, and sometimes traumatic. Being a watchman is work, but not watching out will just lead to more work! So being a watchman is a prudent choice for a parent to make.

Our kids need a watchman in us because there are really only two ways to live: smarter or harder. Following God’s path is smarter (though you and your child will need to be diligent to learn then walk God’s best path). And not following God’s plan is definitely harder. It is hard to deal with your child’s pain after someone has used him or her for their own sexual gratification. It’s hard to manage an unplanned pregnancy. It’s hard to watch a heart slowly harden toward a walk with Jesus. All those things are much harder than being vigilant up front. Being a watchman is definitely the smarter way to go.

In the book of Isaiah comes an intriguing question: “Watchman, how far gone is the night? Watchman, how far gone is the night?” (Isaiah 21:11 nasb). We’re deeper into the night than we think.

Here’s one example from the book You’re Teaching My Child What?

I’d been invited to speak at a small private college outside Philadelphia. The auditorium was filled to capacity…After [my talk] I asked for questions, and a number of hands shot up…A dark-haired girl in the front row raised her hand. “I’m a perfect example of what you talked about. I always used condoms, but I got HPV anyway, and it’s one of the high-risk types. I had an abnormal Pap test, and next week I’m going to have a colposcopy…But I thought it over,” she continued, “and I decided that the pleasure I had with my partners was worth it.”

This is a mind that has lost its ability to reason, or has never learned how to reason at all. Either way, it is far into the night. The risk of death was not as important to this young woman as a few moments of sexual pleasure. The author goes on to write, “She’ll never know—is the virus gone, or just dormant? Had anyone told her that having one sexually transmitted disease makes her more vulnerable to others, including HIV? That being on the pill could increase her risk, and that pregnancy can re-activate the virus?”

The night is getting darker. People young and old are losing their bearings, their ability to make vital, life-saving decisions. That is why God is looking for heroes—ordinary moms, dads, leaders, teachers, and youth workers who will hold the torch of His original plan for love and intimacy. God is looking for you! Be a watchman, and be able to say, “Day after day, my lord, I stand on the watchtower; every night I stay at my post”  (Isaiah 21:8).

If Not You, Then Whom?

If we as parents neglect to instruct, lead, guide, and dialogue with our kids, then where will they get the information to make decisions and form their views? They will be swayed by the media, by friends, and by the educational system.

The Media

American children spend more than 38 hours a week using media. That includes television, videos, music, computers and video games. One study showed that 75 percent of all music videos include sexual images. More than half are also violent—usually against women. The average teen will come across nearly 14,000 sexual references in the media each year. Only about one percent of these will talk about birth control or the risk of pregnancy and STDs.

Dr. Dave Currie of Doing Family Right Ministries shares a story of how even well-meaning parents and grandparents can be forced to clean up the mess media so easily can make:

A father had approached me with the tragic story of how well-meaning grandparents had given an iPad to a much-loved grandchild. This 11-year-old, with her curiosity and a push from her peers, had googled the word “sex.” She was traumatized. Thankfully, she came to her parents about her extreme confusion to talk and pray through the defiling impact these sexual images had had on her.

Friends

If not the media, what about the influence of friends? Dr. Currie continues his story:

Don’t say it can’t happen to your family. It did ours. When my youngest daughter was at a sleepover for a friend’s thirteenth birthday party, the girls, in daring and unsupervised group fashion, managed to get on an adults-only dating website. They thought they would have fun creating a fictitious profile but used their pictures. It went from innocent though stupid to dangerous when one girl went back later and put real contact information for our daughter—our phone number! I am so glad God protected us as I was the one who received the call from an older man wanting to speak to her. He back-peddled hard when he found out she was just 13 and I was her dad!

That is a picture of the mayhem media can cause—but also how valuable it is to have a hero for a dad!

You will hear much more about media, its influence, how to manage it, and how to monitor it in your kids’ lives in coming chapters. We’ll also discuss the role of good and not-so-good peer choices. Stay tuned!

School

We might think we are safe to delegate sex education to the school—but is that actually the best choice? Dr. Miriam Grossman pulls back the curtain on what schools are really teaching our kids:

Parents, if you believe that the goals of sexuality education are to prevent pregnancy and disease, you are being hoodwinked. You must understand that these curricula are rooted in an ideology that you probably don’t share. This ideology values, above all—health, science, or parental authority—sexual freedom.…

…Do you want instructors, whose personal values might be at odds with yours, to encourage your kids to question what they’ve been taught at home and at church, and to come up with their own worldview based on taking sexual risks that endanger their health and wellbeing? It seems reasonable to question the ethics of this practice.

What these “experts” are hiding is their goal of bringing about radical social change, one child at a time…From a review of many of today’s sex ed curricula and websites, it would appear that a “sexually healthy” individual is one who has been “desensitized,” who is without any sense of embarrassment or shame (what some might consider “modesty”), whose sexuality is always “positive” and “open,” who respects and accepts “diverse” lifestyles, and who practices “safer sex” with every “partner.”

This is not about health, folks. This is about indoc-

trination.

In coming chapters we will look more intently at sex education, who should do it, and when. We’ll look at what parts (if any) you might want to delegate and, if you outsource any pieces, whom do you trust? And what do you say and when to help your son or daughter make wise, godly choices in the future?

Your job as a watchman is to work yourself out of a job. While your children are younger you are the watchman on the wall, but in their tween and teen years you will be giving them on-the-job training to become a watchman over their own lives. As they gain the heartbeat of God, they will take over their own lives, choices, and decisions. They will develop their own inner moral compass. The long-term goal is that you will raise children who will grow so strong, articulate, smart, and capable that they will positively influence the culture around them, and the culture will begin to better reflect the heart of God and His plan for this world.

Can We Talk?

One day your child will ask, “Can we talk?” (At least that is what we hope and pray they will do—ask you!) You’ll need to have some basic principles in place to help you best respond to the questions he or she poses. In each chapter, we will give you some helpful sidebars, real illustrations, useful lists, vital statistics, and other “need-to-find-quickly”  information. And for those talks with your son or daughter we will provide a checklist of bullet points in the “Answers to Have Ready”  section. This way, as you are discussing each particular area you will have the broad brush strokes that you can then personalize and mold into your own words.

We will also provide what we call Parent-to-Parent talking points so you can form valid, sustainable conversation with other moms and dads—some of whom may not always agree with you. In the world we all live in, with a majority of the population lacking a solid internal moral compass based on a biblical worldview, it is vital to prepare yourself well. This way you can, in turn, prepare your children well to defend your beliefs, values, and morals and represent them to the glory of God in the public arena. Often these conversations just appear on the soccer sidelines, as you work on a school project with other parents, over a dinner out, or at a family gathering. You may also be called to represent Christ’s worldview on sexuality, gender, or moral choices in the public square, on social media, in the boardroom, or in the classroom. We hope these bullet points and some of the resources we point you to will help you as you prepare your words.

Whether you are debating and dialoging with adults, seeking to explain the birds and bees to a child, or formulating your thoughts for a vital talk with your teen, know that no matter how much you prepare, at some point you can (and need to) relax and trust God. He promises He will be with you:

You’ll end up on the witness stand, called to testify. Make up your mind right now not to worry about it. I’ll give you the words and wisdom that will reduce all your accusers to stammers and stutters (Luke 21:13-15 msg).

If you do whatever I command you and walk in obedience to me and do what is right in my eyes by obeying my decrees and commands, as David my servant did, I will be with you (1 Kings 11:38).

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior (Isaiah 43:2-3).

Answers to Have Ready

Here are the basic talking points for that first conversation (and all the rest yet to come). More details will be in future chapters, but keep these principles in mind as you prepare to dialogue with your child or teen.

Talk First

Talk about body parts, touching, and the fundamentals of how babies are made. Cover the basic biology before they hear about it on the playground. Talk about body changes before they happen and feelings for the opposite gender before they are interested in the opposite sex. Talk about healthy, God-ordained sex in marriage before you have to deal with distortions of sex by Satan.

Talk Enough

Give them 20 percent more information than they ask for. Be tactfully explicit—not abstract. Answer the question with a short answer first, wait for a response, and then offer more details as you need to.

Talk Positively

Positive messages are better than negative. Instead of saying “don’t do this or that,”  try to reframe it into an affirmative. For example, instead of telling a tween or teen that premarital sex is bad, so don’t do it, tell them that sex is a good gift and that is why it is to be protected until expressed in marriage.

Talk Honestly

Use accurate medical terms instead of nicknames for body parts. Be straightforward and tell your child why you want to talk about the next layer of sexual information. And if you lacked in judgment in an area growing up, share this information at an age-appropriate time.

Talk, Then Listen

Learn to listen, not just lecture. Practice questions like: Have you heard the term _____? Do you know what _____ is? What have you heard from friends about _____? How do you feel about what I just shared? Do you have any questions about what I shared with you?

Talk Wisely

Help your child gain a moral compass, good decision-making skills, and the confidence to act on what God whispers to his or her heart. Place sex within the context for which God created it. Get your ducks in a row and be prepared for what you think might be the next sexual question or topic that might come up. If surprised, feel free to say, “Wow, that’s a great question. Let me get some information together for you and we’ll chat about this later (today, tomorrow, over a burger, etc.).”

Talk Calmly

Don’t freak out. Some topics might come up before you want them to. Try to talk with your child gently and reasonably, without getting emotional or frazzled. Take a few breaths, pray, take a walk, or whatever you need to do so that your emotions are in check and stable.

Talk in a Positive Place

If you make the place and experience a positive one each time you discuss sexual matters, your child will connect sex talks to feelings of closeness with you and/or your spouse. He or she might link these moments to happy, joyful, or positive emotions if they take place in a calm location: sitting on your bed or the child’s or over ice cream, a burger, or other favorite food. (Our sons preferred all our talks to take place over steak or carne asada burritos!) For those “big talks” we often would link them to a fun family activity, like boating, skiing, a day at the beach, or a family picnic.

Talk after Praying

As you pray for your child, God will give you insights either through His Word or through the leading of His Holy Spirit. He will help you find the words to use and the best time to lead your child to make wiser choices. Don’t worry: He’ll give you all the specifics to best prepare you for success as you lead your child to make wise choices.

Talk Expecting Your Child Wants to Talk

Your son or daughter wants to hear from you. Here’s what one survey tells us:

More than half of 12th grade girls (53%) said that during their high school years they wanted to be able to talk to their parents about love and relationships. Nearly four in 10 (39%) wanted to be able to talk with their parents about sex…As they look ahead to the years immediately after high school, those numbers remain largely unchanged. Half (50%) still want to talk to their parents about love and relationships…Forty percent say they want to be able to talk about sex with their parents once they’re out of high school.

Talk United

It might seem easier to talk to Mom, but the united two-parent approach has the best outcome.??In addition, those teens who live in intact homes with Dad involved are much less likely to be involved

in premarital sex and risky behaviors.? In our work as youth pastors, in the senior pastorate, and as the parents of three sons, we have seen that having the father involved makes a tremendous difference. If Dad is available as a positive, active role model for his sons and daughters, the children will make better choices. It is in your child’s best interest (if possible) to involve both parents in discussions on love, sex, and dating.

Bring God into the Talk

Moral and religious convictions do make a difference. One study indicated that girls were less likely to have premarital sex if their mothers cited moral or religious reasons in their discussions. (Conversely, the more liberal the daughter perceived her mother’s values to be, the more likely she was to have sex—and have it younger and with more partners.?) In a recent study, 45 percent of boys ages 15 to 19 cited religion to be a factor in their sexual decisions.

Talk Because It Makes a Difference

According to authors Stan and Brenna Jones, “The closer the child says his or her relationship is with parents, the less likely the child is to be having sex. A close relationship between parent and child appears to instill in the child the desire to want to live out the values and moral beliefs of the parent.”?? In a national survey more than nine of ten teens agreed that among the benefits of waiting to have sex is enjoying the respect of parents.? Mom and Dad—you do make a difference!

God is with you. God is with your child. Together you can be a winning team—a heroic team—building a future to look forward to.

Parent to Parent

You will be a better role model for a healthy attitude toward sex if you have a clear view of just why God created sex. We thought we’d share a thumbnail sketch with you of the five reasons God created “Red-Hot Monogamy”—because if we as parents are comfortable and well-centered in our sexuality, it will be easier to have those much-needed discussions with our children and teens.

God Gave Us Sex for Procreation

Be fruitful and increase in number (Genesis 1:22).

The human race is perpetuated through sexual union: One egg is fertilized by one sperm.

God Gave Us Sex for Recreation

And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac was sporting with Rebekah his wife (Genesis 26:8 kjv).

Sex within the context of marriage is to be enjoyed.

God Gave Us Sex for Reconnection

Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control (1 Corinthians 7:5).

Sex is meant to keep couples emotionally, physically, and spiritually connected.

God Gave Us Sex for Rejuvenation

Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love (Song of Solomon 2:5).

Sex within marriage is good for our emotional and physical wellness.

God Gave Us Sex for Proclamation

He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:28-32).

Sex is a picture of the complete love and commitment intended for marriage. Marriage reflects Christ’s love for the church.

Answers for Your Heart

Before you have answers for your child, you need to ask yourself a few questions and get some answers. You may want to get a journal and answer these or grab a cup of coffee and discuss them with your spouse. You can also use them for a discussion group of moms or co-ed parent study to help prepare for a lifestyle of building a great relationship with your child or teen.

Looking back, how comfortable are you with your own sexual choices growing up?

The best thing you can do for your child’s future is to provide an intact two-parent family or, if single, an extended family that will partner with you to provide the much-needed role of the absent parent. What can you do to either strengthen your marriage or create an extended family support network?

How do you feel about talking with your child at the different ages:

as a toddler/preschooler

as a grade school student

as a tween

as a teen

as a college student or young adult

as an adult

What would best prepare you to feel ready for conversations with your child or teen?

How can you move forward in getting your own heart, mind, and emotions ready for the parenting God has in front of you?

Today’s Wild Card author is:

Jay Payleitner

and the book:

52 Things Daughters Need from Their Dads:
What Fathers Can Do to Build a Lasting Relationship

Harvest House Publishers (March 1, 2013)

***Special thanks to Ginger Chen for sending me a review copy.***

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

SHORT BOOK DESCRIPTION:

Always Daddy’s Little Girl
Look back at the photo on the front cover of this book. What do you
think?

(For the record, it’s not me and it’s not my daughter, Rae Anne. I don’t have that much hair. And Rae is 20.)

I lobbied my publisher hard for a cover photo featuring a father and his daughter right around 12 years old. Because dads fear that age. Don’t we?

For her entire life, our sweet little girl has been worshiping her daddy. Anything we say, she believes. Anyplace we go, she wants to tag along. Anytime she’s scared or hurting, all we have to do is show up and all the bad stuff melts away.

We like being the daddy of a little girl. It’s really pretty easy. And great fun. But we also know that magic won’t last.

Change is coming. And we don’t know what our relationship is going to look like on the other side. We’ve heard ominous stories of teenage girls raging against their fathers. We feel helpless when we consider the world she’s about to enter. We imagine the worst: sexual promiscuity, eating disorders, alcohol, drugs, depression, obsessing over looks, sleepless nights, parties she isn’t invited to, parties she is invited to, homework assignments we can’t begin to help with, and whether or not we matter anymore.

In the debate about what photo best paints the father–daughter picture, the editorial and design team at Harvest House Publishers made an excellent point. No matter what age she really is, we always see our daughter as our little girl.

I must say, I had to agree.

Rae Anne has four older brothers. All out of college. Three of them even married. But the dominant mental images I carry in my head of Alec, Randall, Max, and Isaac are of their coming-of-age season in middle school or high school.

Rae Anne is a beautiful, strong, dedicated, fierce, and fabulous young woman. But…sorry, Rae. You will always be my little girl.

Dad, fear not. Stop imagining the worst. You and your daughter will be fine. Better than fine. With a little prayer and preparation, your future will be filled with good conversation, lively debates, some tears, much laughter, quick hugs, longer hugs, a few sleepless nights, some grand celebrations, and memories that sweep you into the next stage of life for you and your family.

I must warn you that some of the chapters in this book do contain cautionary tales and warning signs to watch for. But anticipating what might be lurking around the next corner is part of what you signed up for as a dad.

Most important, I hope this book will help you realize you’re not alone in this adventure called “raising a daughter.” Every situation is different, but there are certainly quite a few friends and family members cheering you on. And, God himself gave you that little girl to love, protect, and provide for. His plan for you and your family is rock solid. Count on it.

“Certain is it that there is no kind of affection so purely angelic as of a father to a daughter. In love to our wives there is desire; to our sons, ambition; but to our daughters there is something which there are no words to express.”

—Joseph Addison

NEED #1

A Daughter Needs Her Dad…
To Be the Perfect Father
Your daughter needs a father she can count on 100 percent of the time. With 100 percent perfect advice. Infinite vision into the future. Providing for her every need. Available 24/7/365. This is what you might call an imperative. A must-have. An absolute life requirement.

To relieve any pressure you might now be feeling, let me say this: “Dad, that ain’t you. No one expects you to be a perfect father.”

For sure, you love your little girl 100 percent of the time. But that’s not enough. You are going to make mistakes. You are going to set expectations that are impossible to meet. You are going to get angry at things that are really not a big deal. You are going to give her things she does not need and cause her to miss opportunities she should have. You are going to open the wrong doors and close the wrong windows. You are going to be silent when she needs to hear you say, “I love you” or “I’m sorry.” You are not and cannot be the perfect father.

You probably already know where this is going.

Since you can’t be the perfect father, you’ll be glad to know that your daughter has a Father in heaven who is exactly that.

He does have a perfect plan for your daughter. “?‘I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’?” (????Jeremiah 29:11).

He will never leave her stranded. “Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age” (Matthew 28:20).

But wait. If God is all the father your daughter really needs, then what in blue blazes is your job? Are you an afterthought? Are you a fraud, an imitation? Are you superfluous? Redundant? Nonessential?

Of course not. You’re not God. But you are a dad. Just like Joseph filled the role of husband to Mary and father to Jesus, you’ve got a job to do. Like Abraham trusted God’s plan for Isaac (Genesis 22). Like Jairus wept for his dying daughter and sought out Jesus’ help (Mark 5). The Bible acknowledges and has all kinds of clear instructions for earthly fathers. Don’t exasperate your kids (Ephesians 6:4). Manage your household (1 Timothy 3:4). Discipline your children (Proverbs 19:18). Look for teachable moments with your kids (Deuteronomy 6:7). Love your wife (Ephesians 5:25).

So yes, Dad. You have a job to do. Even though you can’t be the perfect father she needs, you are the best she has right now. And can I say, Dad, you’re doing a pretty good job? The fact that you’re still plowing through this first chapter of a book with a title like this is a good indication of what’s in your heart and your deep desire to be the father your daughter needs.

There’s an oft-told story that might help you embrace your role.

A sweet little girl who looks a lot like your daughter is frightened by the crashes and flashes of a thunderstorm. From her bed she calls out to her daddy. He comes in with a gentle smile and sits down on the edge of her bed, assuring his daughter that she need not be afraid—she is safe and Jesus is always with her. The little girl thinks about that idea for a moment and then says, “I know that, Daddy. But right now, I need someone with skin on.”

You’re not God. But to your daughter, your physical presence—your words, actions, hugs, provision, and example—is part of God’s big design for raising a woman of virtue and achievement.

Years from now, you’ll look back and see that even during times when you didn’t know what to do or how to respond in a crisis, your presence was all that was really needed. You may have felt like you didn’t do enough. But to your daughter, you represented “God with skin on.”

Takeaway
Too many fathers beat themselves up or neglect their fathering duties because they don’t always know the right thing to do or the right words to say. It’s really okay. Join the club. Making mistakes is part of being a dad. In the meantime, make sure your little girl is growing in relationship with her perfect heavenly Father.
“If you…though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”

—Jesus, in Matthew 7:11